S*** That Doesn't Matter? You Know What I Mean? Probably not.

I was thinking earlier tonight, "What kind of guy am I?" Am I shy? Extroverted? Happy? Jealous? Patient? Easily angered? Funny? Rude? Self-righteous? Humble? Well, maybe I am all of those things. Maybe it depends on the situation. The when and where. The who and what.

I was driving my friend home after a party and he was talking about relationships, and specifically about a friend that we knew and his past relationships. That got me thinking about my relationships. Since I haven't had very many, it's hard for rme to imagine the girl that I would be with. Maybe I'm not supposed to be with anyone? Maybe I'm one of those people whom you just can't picture being with anyone. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much.

I feel like I'm a nice enough guy. I really enjoy making people laugh, which I would say is a plus. I like having conversations with people, also a plus. I mean, I may not be the People magazine's sexiest man alive, but eh. But sometimes when something might happen with someone, my personality changes. Maybe not totally, but there's definitely a difference. Shyness kicks in, jealousy, sadness, awkwardness (not the good funny kind that I have become fairly adept at), the whole gang comes and changes me. I wish there was a girl that i could just be myself around. I mean, I can be myself around tons of girls, but I wish that there was a girl that I liked, who liked me back that I could just be myself around.

I wish I could articulate my thoughts better. But I also wish that I could actually talk to a friend about this in person. But the problem with having a friend to talk to about stuff like this is, I can't explain what I'm thinking very well because I don't have the time to think about it. It just comes out as I speak. Why are some things so terribly indescribable? It is really awful sometimes. Actually, for me, it is probably awful almost all of the time. I just want to be able to find the words to convey the exact feelings inside me. They want to be let out and understood, and this blog does not do them justice. why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why............... I wish someone would really understand and say, "I know exactly what you mean and what you're feeling. I've been there too." There I go blabbering again about s*** that doesn't matter.

I don't have the patience to edit this entry right now. GAH. Crappy night. Well, crappy ending to a night.